By Kelley Kepler
Catholic Herald
Beginning experience helps widowed, divorced
SUPERIOR --Sheryl Prochnow, a resident of Eau Claire, was in for a surprise on her 40th birthday. That was the day her husband handed her divorce papers and said he "didn't want to be married to someone so old."
Prochnow said, "I later figured out that was the best gift he ever gave me." However, it took some time and soul searching for her to reach this understanding.
"Going through the divorce I'd been hurt and I wallowed in self pity. It was unexpected and very traumatic for me, and it pushed me over the edge," she said. She was still in a rut seven years later when a friend gave her a brochure for a weekend retreat, one that would eventually lead her on the path toward healing.
The retreat was sponsored by the Diocese of Superior, part of a program called Beginning Experience, an international ministry that helps divorced and widowed individuals come to terms with the past so they can embrace the future.
The retreats are ecumenical and facilitated by volunteers who have also experienced the loss of a spouse. The facilitators, with the guidance of spiritual advisors, provide support and invite grieving individuals to reflect on the past, identify their feelings and share their stories with their peers.
According former spiritual advisor, Fr. John Drummy, who is pastor at St. Joseph Parish in Amery, the goal is to help individuals "regain confidence in themselves, a sense of security and self-worth. We're there to help them in that process and help them walk back into their community ... so that they can have a fresh new start."
Though Prochnow had never heard of Beginning Experience and didn't know quite what to expect, she attended a retreat at Lake Wapogasset Bible Camp, near Amery, in the spring of 2001.
She found the experience to be both "a slap in the face" and "a new beginning" to the rest of her life. It was difficult because it forced her to ask the big questions and be honest with herself.
As Prochnow became more in touch with her inner self, she started to see more clearly, and she began to regain her freedom and inner strength. "Everyone told me I had the strength; I just had to find it," she said.
"I was a submissive wife. I did everything he asked me to do, and I never got anything in return," said Prochnow. "Now I look and see that I'm much better off, and much happier."
Prochnow, a Lutheran, found the retreat to be a positive spiritual experience. "We believe in the same God, and we're here to work together," she said. She found the weekend to be highly worthwhile and believes that people of any religion, age or sex would also find it helpful.
Marti Mares, a Catholic living in Cornell (in the La Crosse diocese), has had her share of heartbreak over the years. She was divorced over 10 years ago, and attending Beginning Experience retreats helped her learn to trust again. She went through the annulment process and married a man who was "an absolute gem." Sadly, he passed away last April.
Mares attended her first Beginning Experience retreat during the spring of 1995. She was also a facilitator for the following two retreats to help others suffering from the same grief she knew quite well.
"Beginning Experience is a marvelous program. If they reach just one person, it's been a success," Mares said.
She also acknowledged that the retreat is not for someone who has just experienced divorce or the death of a spouse. "You have to get to a certain stage before this will help you. You have to come in with an open mind and be at that step where you're ready to open up and share -- even relive -- the painful parts of it." And like anything else, she continued, "You only get out what you're willing to put in," said Mares.
For her, the opportunity to reflect and write in a journal was most helpful over the weekend. First participants listened to team members speak about a topic, and each person went off on their own to write. Afterwards, they reconvened in small groups to share their thoughts and listen to one another.
The process was difficult, and Mares said she returned home feeling exhausted, but exhausted in a good way. She said the retreat, "helped individuals reach further inside themselves for acceptance and strength." It also helped her learn to love herself and trust again.
Despite the losses she suffered, Mares said she did not blame God for what had happened. "My faith has never been shaken," she said and added, "God was so strongly with me that I was never mad at him. It's not who I am."
She believes Beginning Experience strengthened her faith and also her inner strength, both of which helped her to cope after her second husband passed away. "His quality of life wasn't so great, and why would I want him to leave the bliss of heaven to come back to earth. It's selfish for me to say I want him here," Mares said.
Another woman, Paula Fischer, went to the spring 2002 retreat and has also facilitated later retreats. She is a Catholic living in Tomahawk and said "it was well worth the drive" across the diocese to Amery.
She and her husband were divorced after he had an affair, and the breakup left her feeling angry and very alone. At first it seemed as if she was the only one going through these emotions, but after Fischer arrived at the retreat, she realized she wasn't alone.
"I met and bonded with all of the people there," Fischer said. "It's a wonderful support group. We exchanged numbers and call when things aren't going well."
"What's really good about this retreat is that you feel loved, and you feel safe and protected. It's hard to go back to the real world, but you get the tools you need to help you go back," she said. "I put myself on a pathway that allowed me to forgive myself and heal, and put things in perspective."
Fischer would tell anyone grieving the loss of a spouse to, "Take a deep breath and go. It is well worth it for yourself."
Upcoming Beginning Experience events in the diocese include a summer conference on Saturday, July 26, at St. Joseph School in Rice Lake, and a weekend retreat that will be held near Amery on Oct. 24-26. The weekends are aimed at individual reflection and healing, while the conference will feature speakers and workshops to introduce grieving individuals to the help that is available to them.
For more information about Beginning Experience or to register for an upcoming event, call Susan Olson at 715-246-8736, or e-mail suejent@frontiernet.net.
© Superior Catholic Herald, 2003