By A.M. Kelley
Superior Catholic Herald

Many couples primary caregivers for grandchildren

RED CLIFF -- Many new parents buy childcare books but Barbara Gadbois bought one on fetal alcohol syndrome.

Her grandson, Thomas, was only 3 months old when she and her husband, Dan Gadbois, began caring for him. Thomas' life was very unstable.

"I didn't know where he would be sleeping from one night to the next," she said.

The couple made the decision to bring Thomas into their Red Cliff home without much thought.

"We didn't have nine months to prepare," she said. "It was a crisis situation. We had to deal with it. That's what happens to most grandparents."

She means that's what happens to most grandparents who assume guardianship or become the adoptive parents of their grandchildren -- a growing phenomenon in the United States. According to the 2000 census, 2.4 million grandparents are caregivers for their grandchildren.

"A lot of grandparents are raising kids because drugs or alcohol are involved," she said. "My daughter was 18 when she had (Thomas). There was drinking and drugs, and as result she neglected him. I said, 'You need to either be the parent or the partier.'"

Thomas is now 3. The Gadboises are both 47 and are still in the early years of their marriage -- they were married in 2000. It was Barbara's second and Dan's first. When they met, she was working for the Bureau of Indian Affairs in Ashland. She's a member of the Bad River Band of the Lake Superior Tribe of Chippewa Indians and Dan Gadbois is a member of the Red Cliff Band. He was and still is self-employed in a computer business. Fr. Brennan Schmieg, OFM, now deceased, was the pastor of St. Louis Parish in Washburn and counseled the Gadboises before the wedding. Because of their ages, he dismissed the idea of preparing the couple for childrearing.

"We didn't see a little child in the picture," Barbara Gadbois said. "We were going to do things together. There was never a little child in the house."

Now her husband says emphatically: "I don't care why we have Thomas. We've got Thomas. The 'why' is in the past. We love him. He loves us."

That's not to say that there aren't many frustrations in the mix.

"It's difficult to take him places," Barbara Gadbois said. "He's a special-needs kid. He has Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder -- which means he has most of the behavioral and mental features of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome babies."

His development is delayed and he has also been diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder, a condition sometimes linked to in utero drug or alcohol abuse and not uncommon in adoptees.

Thomas is enrolled in the Red Cliff Tribal Head Start Program. The family gets special services, training and support. In addition they have found encouragement from friends in their local spiritual community.

"We got a tremendous amount of support from our friends in Cursillo," Barbara Gadbois said. "

Still, the Gadboises often felt as though they were on a solitary journey.

"I wanted to talk to other people in our situation," she said.

That wish led her to do an Internet search. She wanted to know if she and her husband were in a unique situation. Unfortunately, she discovered, they are not.

She located Grandparent Raising Grandchildren support groups all over the country. And with that came information making them more aware of the myriad of problems grandparent caregivers have in common: stress, guilt, health and money concerns and even safety issues.

"I'm not fast enough to chase him down before he gets to the street," Dan Gadbois said.

The Gadboises have adopted Thomas and now are his legal parents, which adds another issue: not being able to be a real grandparent.

"We can't spoil the kid and send him home," he said. "We miss out on being the grandparents."

To connect with other grandparent caregivers in northern Wisconsin, the Gadboises started a support group in March and have attracted grandparents from as far away as Iron River. They plan to meet the first Wednesday of each month at the Bayfield Public Library in Bayfield from noon to 1:30 p.m.

Thomas' birth mother is now married, more stable and has had another child, a daughter. The Gadboises are involved with the family and hope for the best.

They certainly had no idea what they were getting into when they brought Thomas to live with them. But what parent ever does?

"He's our son now," Barbara Gadbois said. "Our number one priority. He's safe. We do everything that we can."

Resources for grandparents in the Superior Diocese include:

Bayfield County

Barbara Gadbois, 88080 Bresette Hill Rd., Red Cliff, WI 54812; 715-779-5633; blgadbois@charter.net

Polk County

www.uwex.edu/ces/cty/polk (click on Family Living)

Burnett County

Marilyn Kooiker, 7410 County Road K, #107, Siren, WI 54872; 715-349-2151; marilyn.kooiker@es.uwex.edu

Information on support groups in other Wisconsin counties can be found at: www.uwex.edu/ces/flp/ grgp/suplist.html

More grandparenting information is available at: www.aarp.org/families/grandparents/

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© Superior Catholic Herald, 2006