By Mary Grieco
Catholic Herald correspondent

Seminar helps people cope with grief during holidays

To help people learn healthy ways to cope with their sadness and loss, Sacred Heart-St. Mary's Hospice and Ministry Home Care offer a Holidays and Grief Seminar which is open to anyone who feels a need to participate. The program teaches those who are grieving to be gentle with themselves, to do what they really want to do for the holidays, and to be realistic in their expectations. Chaplain Barb Scott, NACC, facilitates and coordinates the program, which this year was presented in three communities.

"I have had people come in and say, 'I hate the holidays. I was doing okay, but the holidays scare me.' We help them see that they can choose what they want to do," Scott said. "There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Everyone's grief is absolutely unique. We have patterns and guidelines, but when people come through the grief process, they become the experts."

Participants in the seminars are encouraged to choose how they want to mark their loss during the holidays and to take control of the celebration. Recommendations include planning ahead, accepting limitations, allowing for flexibility, and informing others of specific needs. Some decide to follow family traditions, while others want to do things differently. Whatever the choice, it should be communicated to family members and friends.

Plans may or may not involve decorating a tree or sending cards, but if cards are sent it is suggested that the name of the loved one be mentioned. When friends or family are gathered, sharing stories of the deceased is essential and helps the healing process.

There are likely to be tears and laughter, and both are healing, Scott noted. "Even in these times, people will laugh. I believe that is one of God's special gifts; in the saddest of situations, he allows humor."

Scott and trained volunteers have presented Holidays and Grief Seminars for the last four years. They also facilitate grief support groups throughout the year, and Scott serves as a resource for anyone who wants to introduce similar programs in other communities.

St. Peter the Fisherman Parish in Eagle River held a Holidays and Grief Seminar this year, which was open to the entire community. In addition to the presentation, there were numerous displays with ideas for remembering loved ones at Christmas. Among the suggestions were using memory candles or centerpieces, making memory bears as gifts, giving a gift in a loved one's memory, and making a memory quilt or tree skirt.

One of the 12 people who attended the seminar in Eagle River was Teri Simac, who lost her father four years ago on Christmas Eve. "That first Christmas was a blur. We were still in shock and too busy planning for his funeral," she remembered. "Our second Christmas was harder than the first. We had all the preparation time without him and then Christmas itself. What helped us was talking about him. That's the best thing you can do.

"Say their name," she encouraged. "Tell stories about them that make you laugh. If something happens to remind you of them and you start to cry, talk about it. Don't hold it all inside; let it out, and find someone you can share it with."

Sr. Marla Clercx, pastoral associate at St. Peter, was one of the seminar facilitators. "It's important to remember that the holidays are events," she explained. "They have preparation time and a specific beginning and ending. Grief, however, is not an event; it's a process.

"Grief takes time," she added. "Don't let people put you on a grief timeline. Don't let them tell you it's time to be moving on or that you should be over it by now. It's your journey. Listen to your heart, and do the things you need to do to live with your grief and begin to heal."

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© Superior Catholic Herald, 2000