By Joe Winter
Catholic Herald correspondent
Couple offers second marriage preparation
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Mary and Steve Del Vecchio conduct training sessions to help couples be successful in their second marriages. (Photo by Joe Winter) |
HUDSON --According to a couple that specializes in marriage preparation, counseling done by parishes needs to be different if it is the second marriage for one or both of the prospective spouses.
Many pastors in the Hudson area are turning to Steve and Mary Del Vecchio to provide this training, in part because the Del Vecchios are in a second marriage themselves and can help couples avoid their past mistakes.
Having a couple do such marriage preparation is something common in the Archdiocese of Minneapolis-St. Paul, but scarcely elsewhere in the two-state area.
The Del Vecchios live in Stillwater, Minn., but they are giving presentations in areas of the Superior diocese such as Hudson, New Richmond, River Falls and Amery, as well as in the Twin Cities.
Some of these parishes make it a practice to send the majority of their second marriage candidates to the Del Vecchios. There have been sessions for priests at their deanery gatherings, and Mary noted that many have quite a bit to learn before shifting gears to counsel couples approaching second marriages.
"One of the big things is that when you bring kids to the table, you have to proceed differently," said Mary, who like Steve is Catholic. It's hard for many of these soon-to-be couples to even schedule an appointment because they both have to get babysitters.
Mary said their sessions have ecumenical value, since many of the future spouses are not Catholics, so she and Steve have made the program's content quite non-denominational. Working to help meld couples of different denominations "is a passion of mine," Mary said.
The Del Vecchios have helped more than 5,000 engaged and married couples build the interpersonal skills necessary for marriage. Together they provide a program of weekend seminars designed exclusively for couples contemplating or preparing for a second wedded union.
The program involves extensive participant interaction using a variety of learning formats, they said. There are five self-assessment sections, five tools designed to provide behavioral feedback from one's partner and seven one-on-one discussion sessions.
Couples also practice an issue resolution model using an issue relevant to them and do small group discussions with other couples on second marriages. They watch videos designed to show productive and counter-productive behaviors in relationships.
In addition to these learning formats, the Del Vecchios use a variety of program topics, including: Developing a family mission statement; three critical "right conditions" for second marriage -- genuineness, empathy and non-possessive affection and respect; the necessary values and interpersonal needs -- mine and my partner's and how they impact our marriage; relating with "ex's" spouse and in-laws; and balancing the need for independence with family responsibilities. Other topics include readiness to marry again, building a healthy sexual relationship in marriage, parenting and step-parenting, blending families and financial and religious concerns.
Fr. Peter Szleszinski, pastor at St. Patrick in Hudson, said that he heard the couple speak during a presentation at a meeting of the deanery, and he was impressed by the talk.
He has sent younger couples to sessions given by the Del Vecchios and also plans to do so with those seeking second marriages. Szleszinski said that the Del Vecchios offer, among other things, the expertise and experience in their own lives to help people seeking second marriages avoid the pitfalls they had in their first marriages.
The painful lessons Steve and Mary have learned through their first marriages add a special degree of commitment, understanding and compassion to their work, they said.
Mary received her master's in rehabilitation counseling from the University of Wisconsin-Stout and her master's in theology from the College of St. Catherine. She is also a pastoral minister and teaches a course in the spirituality of Christian marriage at the College of St. Catherine. In 2001, Mary, who is the creative end of the husband-wife team, received the Mar Muehen Award for pastoral excellence from the college.
In addition to graduate degrees in human resources and law, Steve has more than 20 years of experience in group facilitation, teaching, writing, mediation and counseling.
Many couples who have attended their program have provided feedback, the Del Vecchios said. Some enjoyed the marriage preparation session so much that they lingered long after others had left. Others said they drove the long way home to continue discussing. Participating led to many conversations and feelings of warmth and sharing between the couples, which spilled over into the rest of their lives, the Del Vecchios said they have been told.
Others said they came to the program not knowing what to expect, but as the weekend began, they felt welcome and at home almost instantly. In the end they found out things about themselves and their relationships, but more importantly they were given the tools to help ensure their future together would be successful.
The weekend seminar is $125 per couple and includes course material. While lunch is not included in this cost, beverages, bagels and cookies are provided. To contact the Del Vecchios about the program, call 651-439-9961.
© Superior Catholic Herald, 2002