By Mary Grieco
Catholic Herald Correspondent

Retrouvaille for troubled marriages

RHINELANDER -- Many couples in troubled marriages are finding a lifeline in a program known as Retrouvaille. Meaning "to re-discover one's self, each other and one's way," Retrouvaille, which was started by the Catholic church, is offered throughout the world, including Wisconsin.

Bob and Carole Knops of Rhinelander feel so strongly about the program that they have gone on to be presenters in the program, helping other couples find renewed commitment and happiness. They are also in charge of publicizing the Central Wisconsin Retrouvaille and are on the board of directors.

"This is a peer ministry, and it is showing some remarkable results," Bob explained. Couples who present the program share their experiences and offer hope to husbands and wives who are struggling.

"Presenters share, but the participants do not," Bob said. "It isn't a group discussion." He noted that some surveys show that as many as 70 percent of participating couples save their marriages.

There are three parts to the program, the first being a weekend gathering given by three couples, a priest and other helpers. Strict confidentiality is observed in all phases of the program.

Although Retrouvaille is a ministry of the Catholic church, all denominations are welcome, and it does not focus on Catholicism. "Spirituality is a large part of it, but this is not a retreat," Bob said.

"God is involved in our talks," Carole said, "but religion is not jammed down your throat." She and Bob are members of the Episcopal church.

"The Catholic church had the foresight to recognize the need for Retrouvaille," Carole added. "There were marriages in trouble, and there was no program to focus on that aspect."

Following the weekend experience, couples gather on six Sunday afternoons over a period of 10 to 12 weeks for post-sessions. These are held in a relaxed setting, offering an opportunity to explore topics related to love and marriage more in depth. This period gives couples time to work on their relationship and is an important time of healing and renewed commitment.

During the third part, called CORE (Continuing Our Retrouvaille Experience), smaller support groups meet in a casual, social atmosphere.

Retrouvaille focuses on relationship building, not problem solving, and it complements professional counseling. If infidelity or alcohol or drug abuse is involved, these problems must be addressed before coming to the program.

"What Retrouvaille tends to get is the last-ditch stand of marriages," Bob said. "A high percentage of the couples are ready to divorce when they come.

It is amazing to see people on the verge of signing papers, and then three months later they are actually doing quite well."

Couples of all ages are welcome, the recently married as well as those who have been married for decades.

Nationwide, 62 percent of first marriages end in divorce. That percentage is even higher for second and third marriages.

Carole believes that Retrouvaille is successful because it works on the whole relationship. "You learn a lot about yourself and your feelings, and your spouse's feelings," she said.

The Knops are convinced that Retrouvaille saved their marriage, and they hope other couples will give it a try.

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© Superior Catholic Herald, 2002